comeing back

it dosent feel like home but for now its all ive got i came back to T.U. last night it was weird to be back after spending the last 3 weeks at my brothers house. The first thing i saw when i walked in was my roomate yakove hes preety much the only one i get along with really well so i was really glad it was him. we talked for a while about vacation and then i had to tell him about abby. I mean half my vacation revolved around her i spent a lot of time thinking things over and talking to her. It was interesting to see his reaction to everything i had been thinking about and all i had to say. then we talked about if i should stay he thinks if im not happy then whats the point but i dont think i would really be happy anywere except israel and thats just not a choice at this second although if things continue like this i might have to make it a choice. im afraid. im afraid of the choices ive made im afraid of the choices i will have to make and im afraid of myself. there was a time when i used to know exactly what i wanted and what i didnt those feelings dont exisit anymore with every new desicion comes more and more doubt if im makeing the right one or not. the only thing i can say forshure is that im not happy now i need israel i need to feel like im doing something with my life i need to be surounded by people i can trust not the people here that can have all the good intentions they want but never seem to be able to come through with what they say they will. The road to hell is paved with good intentions and ive been to hell and back its not preety. All i want from life is to be able to wake up in the morning with out feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I want to find the truth I want to be able to serve hashem in the way that i was created to Im sick of all the stuipeditys these people are so caught up in how a "ben torah" should "dress" or other such meaningless things that they forgot how to get into the torah. There was a collel in TJ that i will never forget these guys lived and breathed torah if you ever just watched them learn you got pulled into it they would argue back and forth exausting every single angle they could think of till they were shure they understood it perfectly. oh shure they ate but it was so they could learn they slept so they could learn they lived so they could learn hashems torah NOW THAT IS TRUTH THAT IS REAL!!! no stupidty just truth. i havent found in many places and that was the first place i found it were it wasent tainted by anything but i know its out there and im going to find it for myself.

Memories

life is never easy as you can clearly see
said the drunken man at the bar sitting next to me
I came from many miles away to seek my fortune and fame
but what I found instead was only loneliness and pain

I've crossed the seven seas and every distant land
looking for that something I could hold inside my hand
I never really found it he said with a look of misery
the only things I've got to show are lots of memories

well look here I said to him with just a passing smile
those things cant be held by hands but just think awhile
you've seen more and done more then any man I've met
and most of those men would trade with you any day I'll bet

he picked his head up from the bar a smile on his face
he said thank you sir you've made my day and he bought beers for the whole place
so remember the things that mater most as you travel this world round
are the memories that live on after you when you're six feet under ground

The Pain Inside

Been very depressed lately missing people and memories and most of all israel. I just started writeing and this is what came out. It actually reads better as a rap although i was aiming for a poem at first. Anyway comment me and let me know what you think


Always thinking about leaveing
feels like my hearts bleeding
cant take the pain
I just wana stop breathing

Missing a peice taken from me
no way out that I can see
just want it to end
but the memories wont let me be

Memories of the past when the happieness came
wished it would last but it didnt stay the same
and then it happend I wont forget that day
the day I lost the happieness the day i found the pain

every day I hope and pray that I'll go back one more time
every day I hope and pray that god gives me a sighn
showing me what to do and wear to go and how
waiting for the hand to stop for the turn to be mine

If I knew the answers I would give them away
but right now I dont all I can do is pray
I just keep searching for the answers to say
but they allude
comeing through
just get out of my way

random questions for a random guy

I love filling out these things espechially when im bored


1. FIRST NAME? Pesach but my friends call me passover.
2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? A holiday.
.3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? A couple weeks ago i was really really depressed.
4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? I like my handwriteing a lot when its on a computer ty very much although the one good thing about haveing bad handwriteing is that im really good at reading other peoples notes.
5. WHAT HAPPENED TO QUESTION #5? It has the day off.
6. KIDS? I love kids espechially my neices and nephews I cant wait to have my own.
7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? whats not to love?
8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? No but i write poetry a lot and its kind of like a journal b/c i can go back to any poem i wrote and know exactly what i was thinking or feeling.
9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Is the sky blue?
10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yuppers.
11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? No but ironicly i would sky dive.
12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Hmmmm honey nut cheerios, cinomin life, peanut butter crunch waffel crisp, froot loops, reeses puffs, golden grams, honey nut shredded weat, the list goes on and on preety much the only cerial that I ever met that i didnt like was trix and ive always wanted to try all the marshmellow cerials but they are never kosher one day im just going to pour a bag of marshmellows into a bowl of milk and just eat it too see how it tastes.
13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Who would do that?
14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? I think I am strong when i have to be both physically and emotionaly.
15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLAVOR ICE CREAM? Fish food made by ben and jerries
16. APPLES OR ORANGES? I like most fruits but i do prefer those yellow crunchy apples over an orange anyday.
17. RED OR PINK? ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm if i had to pick one probably pink but im realy more of a green blue person.
18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? I have a hard time seeing the good in things and can get very depressed easly b/c of it.
19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Right now my mom and lil sister i havent seen them in like 6 months now and i dont know how much longer it will be till i do see them.
20. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE YEAR IN SCHOOL? 12th so so much fun so so little learning
21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?Dark grey pants splaterd with paint lol and no shoes i like going barefoot a lot.
22. LAST THING YOU ATE? Chicken we ate it for dinner.
23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? My neice playing and the phone ringing.
24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? If i was a crayon i probably wouldent know or care what color i was although i like the bluegreen color.
25. FAVORITE SMELL? The wind blowing off the water on the beach, shabbot food, hay, febreez (im obbsesed with the stuff)
26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Ben :-) i miss him
27. CENSORED, APPARENTLY. For more information please write to the jerry springer show
28. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? No one sent it too me i was bored so i filled it out although i like the person that i stole it from ;-)
29. FAVORITE DRINK? ice cold water (althoug i really like coffie coolatas from dunkin dohnuts i think im addicted).
30. FAVORITE SPORT? football.
31. EYE COLOR? blue.
32. HAT SIZE? I think 7 but what the heck do I know.
33. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Ya mostly b/c i hate glasses one time this big fly landed on my glasses and i could see like every single lil body part on it and i desided then that i wanted contacts and i havent (forgive the pun) looked back ever since.
34. FAVORITE FOOD?Mmmmmm lasagna.
35. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? scary movies happy endings almost never happen in real life (but then again neither to gaint killer tomatos).
36. IS THE SMALLEST NUMBER THAT'S SQUARE AND ALSO TRIANGULAR. I hate math.
37. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Grey with blue sleeves and coller.
38. SUMMER OR WINTER? Winter.
39. HUGS OR KISSES? Hugs I think holding someone in your arms is one of the most romantic things ever.
40. FAVORITE DESSERT? Cant deside between cheesecake and warm apple pie with vanilla icecream on it.
41. IS THE SMALLEST ODD NUMBER NOT IN THE FORM OF 2x - 3y. Thats nice.
42. I SUPPOSE THIS IS A COOL NUMBER, TOO. naaah nobody likes 42 he has no friends.
43. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? I like lots of stuff espechially things that make me laph and things that make me think I hate endings that leave you walking away guessing what happens I want to know darn it.
44. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? This weird pic of cupid shooting an arrow at the devil.
45. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT ON TV? whats TV?
46. FAVORITE SOUNDS? laughing, little kids playing (nicely), cars on a freeway ( i used to live near one and when ever i hear those sounds i fall asleep so well) and the sounds of waves crashing on the sand .
47. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? sadly I dont really listen to much of either its not that I have anything against them its just that I never really got into them but I would also have to go with the beatles.
48. THE FURTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME? The holy land of Eretz Yisrael.
49. WHAT'S YOUR SPECIAL TALENT? poetry and getting people to laph no matter how upset or sad they are.
50. I CAN'T BELIEVE THERE'S NO NUMBER 50. im preety shure hes in cahoots with number 5.

first days down last days to go

so ya

so far so good i mean it was a hot couple of days but we made it through now its time to kick back and enjoy chol hamoed im tonight im watching a ravens game i think its the first one ive seen in like 2 years. i also plan to go deep sea fishing and my brother is haveing a huge bbq wed night oh ya and inbetween all of this im going to be finishing the mager job of painting my brothers house lol so ya i think i have a full scedule.

is this me or what?

Your Birthdate: April 29

You have the mind of an artist, even if you haven't developed the talent yet. Expressive and aware, you enjoy finding new ways to share your feelings. You often feel like you don't fit in - especially in traditional environments. You have big dreams. The problem is putting those dreams into action. Your strength: Your vivid imagination Your weakness: Fear of failure Your power color: Coral Your power symbol: Oval Your power month: November

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

so ya sukkot is comeing in a few days i just built our sukkah on my brothers tennise court. its really big and made out of canvas and mettel beams. it took me like 2 and a half hours to put together and this is supposed to be an easy one. In the prosese i think i managed to get really sunburned and i think this is the first time that i have ever managed to sunburn my feet. on the bright side though i plan on going swimming as soon as i finish wrighting this yay!! so anyway ive been thinking about life a lot resently (that happens when im out in the sun for a while) and i came up with this thought " wow its hot out here" no no no before that. oh well in that case the thought was this " why is it so hard to do the right thing sometimes i mean even when you know exactly what the right thing to do is??". I mean its weird right we know exactly what we should be doing like 70% of the time yet a lot of those times its really really hard to do the right thing. The only thing i can come up with is that if doing the right thing was easy all the time then the rewards wouldent be as good. but its not that satisfieing i mean what makes me want to do the wrong thing in the first place. arent we all intrinsicly good? oh well if anybody reads this and has some insight feel free to let me know.
peice out every body im going swimming
pesach

new here

hey so ya i was told about this sight by a friend :-) and i desided to check it out to see if it was better then live journal and ya it is by far a lot better and easyer to use. so ya as soon as something worth writeing happens to me i will let you whoever you are know about it. ttyl