Father

I wrote this today to help let my emotions out but I don't think I really let them out till i talked to my rebbi and ended up crying for a good 20 minuets. anyway here it is

Father
father in heaven ruling from above
take me to a place of comfort and love
hold me close for just a while
dry my tears and make me smile
hold my hand though this test
just like you've done through the rest
show me tomorrow because the tears blurr today
show me your plan and show me your way
give me the strength to just move on
because I cant lift my head and my will is gone
I made you a promise that hasn't been broken
and you made me yours with words unspoken
so guide me Abba hold my hand tight
help me do no wrong only right
because once again Abba its just me and you
in a world so barren of whats real and true
I'm scared Abba its a long road ahead
and there's so much more i need to say to add to whats been said

THE GAME

its amazing what just randomly pops into your head at 5 o'clock in the morning when you cant sleep b/c of the things your worried about and the people you miss i hope you like it

The Game
Ive got the weight of the world on my shoulder
some people say its destiny but i didn't roll her
in the dice game of life who gets the last rolls?
the sinner the winner the seller of souls?
because there are no second chances when your playing to win
you roll, deal, race or spin
and the hand that you get is the hand that you got
some say its not fair well guess what its not!
no one ever asks for the life that they are givin
but we've all got a purpose a reason we are livin
Ive seen many things in this short life Ive had
some made me happy some made me sad
Ive seen a young man die and an old man live
Ive seen a rich man take and a poor man give
Ive seen two strangers love and two brothers fight
Ive laughed through a day and cried through a night
Ive seen the worst parts of life and the best parts of death
and Ive prayed for both when Ive had nothing left
its a heavy world when you hold it on your shoulder
and it only gets worse as you get older
so take a tip from me and do it fast
live out each day like it might be your last

HARD TIMES

so last night i got trashed but hey what else is new. well anyway while i was in this state of none soberness i began thinking of all of the things and people that led me to be the person that i am today and it hit me that wow no matter how hard it is too see sometimes, hashem really dose care about me. now for many of you this isn't such a huge insight but for me.... well lets just say there have been plenty of times in the past were i looked up at heaven and asked why? with a lot of hurt in my voice and tears pouring down my cheeks. But i can actually look back on my life and see that a lot of things which seemed horrible at the time really were a blessing in disguise. in this weeks parshah Joseph becomes the viceroy of Egypt and b/c of this is able to keep his family alive by providing them with much needed food during a horrible famine. when you see the big picture everything that Joseph went through was well worth the trouble in the end but I'm sure it didn't seem that way when he was going through the different steps that got him there. It would be nice if we could see the big picture at the beginning of the story. Things would probably be a lot easier to swallow if we saw all the good that would come from every time we had to be slightly inconvenienced or even be put in horrible pain. The downside to this though would be the fact that if everything was so easy for us to do we would never grow from it. every time a person gets through a hardship in life he gains from it he learns to trust in hashem and so much more. Anyway I'm not really sure were I'm going with this but basically i think the bottom line is that S happens its part of life but if you keep in mind that hashem dose everything for your own good its that much easier to get through it grow from it and move on. layla tov
passover

so here we are already at chanukah it seems like the year just started and its already almost half over. My friend David called me today from Israel it was really really good to hear from him i hadn't spoken to him in a couple months. we shmoozed a while and we are both doing well b"h and he asked me when i was coming back to Israel he said he misses me and he thinks i should come to his yeshiva and that i would do realy well there. I have to say that for the first time ever i didn't know what to answer to the question i mean my eventual plan is to end up there but i have no idea when this plan is going into effect. I finally came up with the answer as soon as i can but is that really true i mean technically i could drop everything and go right now i mean i have a bit of money saved up at least enough to buy a one way ticket to Israel and then i could join the army for a year and just get it over with. and then i would officially live in Israel. and it got me thinking when will i get to see my home again? when will i get to give my mom a hug again? when will i be able to Daven at the kotel again? see my rabbeim? see my friends? see another Mediterranean sunset? the only answer i can come up with is i don't know it makes me sad. what if i turn into one of those people that always says he will move there but never actually ends up doing so? i miss my home i miss the people and the place i miss shabbot really feeling like shabbot i want to go home. anyway sry for that rant i just need to get that all out in the open if i depressed anyone i ask them forgiveness anyway this was supposed to be about chanakah but that didn't really work out so well maybe i will try again on Wednesday night. layla tov everyone chag samayach
passover