comeing back
it dosent feel like home but for now its all ive got i came back to T.U. last night it was weird to be back after spending the last 3 weeks at my brothers house. The first thing i saw when i walked in was my roomate yakove hes preety much the only one i get along with really well so i was really glad it was him. we talked for a while about vacation and then i had to tell him about abby. I mean half my vacation revolved around her i spent a lot of time thinking things over and talking to her. It was interesting to see his reaction to everything i had been thinking about and all i had to say. then we talked about if i should stay he thinks if im not happy then whats the point but i dont think i would really be happy anywere except israel and thats just not a choice at this second although if things continue like this i might have to make it a choice. im afraid. im afraid of the choices ive made im afraid of the choices i will have to make and im afraid of myself. there was a time when i used to know exactly what i wanted and what i didnt those feelings dont exisit anymore with every new desicion comes more and more doubt if im makeing the right one or not. the only thing i can say forshure is that im not happy now i need israel i need to feel like im doing something with my life i need to be surounded by people i can trust not the people here that can have all the good intentions they want but never seem to be able to come through with what they say they will. The road to hell is paved with good intentions and ive been to hell and back its not preety. All i want from life is to be able to wake up in the morning with out feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I want to find the truth I want to be able to serve hashem in the way that i was created to Im sick of all the stuipeditys these people are so caught up in how a "ben torah" should "dress" or other such meaningless things that they forgot how to get into the torah. There was a collel in TJ that i will never forget these guys lived and breathed torah if you ever just watched them learn you got pulled into it they would argue back and forth exausting every single angle they could think of till they were shure they understood it perfectly. oh shure they ate but it was so they could learn they slept so they could learn they lived so they could learn hashems torah NOW THAT IS TRUTH THAT IS REAL!!! no stupidty just truth. i havent found in many places and that was the first place i found it were it wasent tainted by anything but i know its out there and im going to find it for myself.
posted by passovergd @ 9:34 AM
2 Comments:
Pesach. Wow, first of all, you're an amazing writer. It is obvious how passionate you are about Hashem and His Torah. You have a thirst for knowledge, a thirst to understand every word of the Torah. If you're not happy in Florida, then that is not where you should be. Maybe Hashem is testing you to see if you can create what you want even while you are in this situation. I know that sounds very confusing. Either you can try to create what you want in Florida or you can switch to a different school and see if it can be created there. If you won't be happy any place, but Israel, maybe you should go back to Israel or at least try to bring the Kedusha from there back here. I know that does not see possible right now, but maybe if you keep trying you will find how amazing you already are and how much you have learned. Keep the holy land on your mind and you will continue to want it and need it, whether you are here or there.
AHHHHH!! I had this whole nice long comment typed out, then blogger had a problem and it was lost. Ugh! Anyway....
What? You couldn't mention the new friend you met over vacation? Geez, thanks dude. :P
Now, onto other topics. Pesach, I'm with Abby on this one. If you're not happy where you are, you need the place where you are happy. Sometimes it take a lot of hit and misses, but you can and will find it. And decisions are never really easy, but they're a part of life. Not always a nice part of life, but a part of life all the same. I've had to make some very tough decisions in my life (Abby can testify to that), and there are some that I regret, but there's nothing I can do about them now, and neither can you. All you can do is move foward, life your life, and do the best you can, including making the best decisions for yourself. Good luck, and if you ever need to talk, you can always talk to me.
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